Lying and Hypocrisy
Two means to a singular end
Cognitive dissonance arises when evidence is observed that does not align with the mental models that we use to run our lives. Consciously and subconsciously, we spend significant time and effort building mental models that actually align with reality as we see it. We want our actions to have expected results. We want to know how things work so that we can engage with things with some confidence. Then we can trust things, in general, to work in a particular way. To live in such a way helps us have capacity for the requirements of daily life.
I can trust the sun to come up in the morning. Therefore I can concern myself with what I have to do when morning comes, rather than with whether or not the sun will come up.
There are at least two things that undermine our ability to build functioning mental models that are reflective of reality. They are lying and hypocrisy.
Lying and hypocrisy do the same thing – undermine the establishment of trustworthy relationships – but in different ways and from different angles. One is predominantly word based, while the other is seen most clearly when actions arise. In recent months the use of language to manipulate outcomes, jockey for position, or impose ideas has risen to a fever pitch. So much so, that it seems just par for the course. Words seem to fly through media, while most actions seem relegated to the reality of our physical lives. For this reason, I became curious about the particularities when it comes to the difference between the two.
Lying
Lying is the opposite of telling the truth. We know a lie when we hear one. A lie is a misrepresentation of reality. Of course, our individual perception of reality may be limited, but there is no need to consciously misrepresent what we do perceive. Who ate the last cookie? Is Santa Clause real? Is a river wet? These kinds of questions can have simple answers. Of course, there are other questions that may be more complex, but the pursuit of truth is the same. We are asking, “What is actually real here?” This becomes key when we think about the consequences of lying.
By misrepresenting reality we become partner to planting seeds of deception in the minds of others – in particular those who have entrusted us to teach them what is real. Our lie may become the basis for someone else’s perception of reality and their consequential actions. They then become partner to the falsity as well. Lies do this regardless of the scale of the lie. Whether at the interpersonal or international scale, a little white lie or a bold faced one, misrepresenting what a friend said or did, or lying on a social media post about an entire people group, it is moving away from reality that is the actual offense.
There are feelings attached to being in the fold of lies. Consider the feeling that arises if you were to find out that someone was misrepresenting you. I suspect a feeling of offense would be part of that package – I know I have had that. Then again consider the feeling that arises if you were to find out that someone was representing you well. I suspect a feeling of relief, even gratitude, might arise. I have had those, too. When we lie in general we offend reality, and we become partner to deception. When we tell the truth we do what we can to represent reality as it is, and we become partner to the building of trust.
It should be said that there is a trend to justify our need to lie. Lies are often used to get other people to do what we want. Don’t punish me, because I didn’t do it. Give me the money, because I have reason to need it. Love me, because I am a good person. The lie attempts to adjust reality so that the outcome is favorable for the lier. We often justify ourselves for the sake of the outcome we want. Our language turns toward exaggeration if we sense resistance to our desired end.
Without a mutual pursuit of capital “T,” truth, we will find ourselves in a landscape of mutual conflict as everyone fights for their conception or perception of reality to be adopted by others. Instead of something we do together and all benefit from, we will end up fighting with one another and all being hurt in some real way.
Lies, even the littlest ones, are horrible, insidious, and sneaky culprits in the deconstruction of trust in relationships.
Hypocrisy
Hypocrisy works differently while towards the same end. It deconstructs trust in relationship through a dissolution of integrity, rather than a misrepresentation of reality. The hypocrite can say one thing and easily do another. They can represent one set of ideas with their words, then act in accordance with another set of ideas. The hypocrite professes to believe that lying is an affront to reality and then proceeds to lie whenever they think it is necessary. If caught, the hypocrite is found to be not who they said they were. They become an affront to themselves. Their lie is in the lack of integration between what they say they believe (and have supposedly organized their life around), and what comes out of them naturally and easily.
Hypocrisy breaks trust in one of the sadder ways. In often dramatic form, hypocrites are found out. When they are, the realities of those in relationship with them is shaken. Is this person not who I thought they were? If they are not who I thought, who else is not as they seem? Who can I trust? It is a slippery and destructive slope.
The hypocrite need not consciously attempt to deceive. Rather they need only to have accepted their own dis-integration. Anyone can be found in moments of hypocrisy – doing the thing that say they would not want to do. The more dangerous position is someone who has organized their life around hypocritical methods. This person can’t help but profess the correct, good, or even attractive thing, but have no personal connection or commitment with it. Therefore, when it comes to action, they resort to whatever is actually operating in them, regardless of profession. Consider the leader who talks a good game but can’t seem to follow through on what they say. Consider the person who says you are a friend but isn’t quite friendly towards you. Or one who varies their friendliness depending on the circumstances. Consider a neighbor who talks about how loving communities should function towards you but works against the good of their own neighbors whenever they are given opportunity.
What can be done?
Since they are different, lies and hypocrisy rely on different solutions to be worked out. Before addressing the differences it is good to say that both are better addressed with ourselves first. That is, attempting to do what we can to stop the pattern within ourselves first is better than being quicker in correcting others. When addressed in this order we learn, first hand, the challenges of the transformation, before jumping into someone else’s journey. This can dramatically change how we approach the idea of trying to solve the problem of lying or hypocrisy in general.
Lies come from a belief that our wellbeing is contingent on our lying. To counter this belief there must be another, more powerful, vision that says that the good life is achievable even without lying. Or deeper, that the good life comes when we stop relying on lies to control our own well-being. Then we can begin to trust that, when called upon, telling the truth is actually the better way.
Similarly, the elimination of hypocrisy requires a vision in which being honest about what is working within us is better than hiding it or working around it. At least in trustworthy relationships, confessing where we are misaligned, can be the start to real transformation. This can be challenging as we face the distance between the façade that we present, and our actual inner landscape. The journey of integration allows the façade to fade and the inner landscape to express itself honestly. Only then, can we contend with the distance between who we really are, and who we would like to become. Traversing that gap is the stuff of transformation.