Honest Reflection
Being honest with ourselves and one another
Honest Reflection
I must have been in college when I took my last picture with Santa Clause. It was a Christmas gift to my parents. They have always taken great joy in the act of gift-giving, and Santa was representative of that for them. Every year it was family tradition for us to go to a mall, find a Santa, and for me to get a photo with the big guy. The photos ended up on a string that we hung up every Christmas tracking the years as I grew.
In a year when I should have been too old for it, I went to the mall on my own, found a Santa, and lined up to be interviewed. As I approached, I tried to avoid some of the palpable awkwardness by telling the Santa why I was there:
“This is one of my gifts to my parents this year.”
He smiled and invited me to sit on his knee. We both had a solid laugh as the picture was taken. Come Christmas day, the gift was a success. The photo remains – the last in a stack of Santa pictures commemorating years of being asked, “What do you want?”
Our Wanter
It’s this question that I’ve been thinking about recently.
The question seems simple enough. The five- or six-year-old sitting on Santa’s knee says whatever comes to mind; whatever has captured their imagination; whatever they think is good. They have an innocent trust of their “wanter.”
As we grow up we seem to lose this trust. It happens for good reason. Somewhere along the line we learn that not everything that we want may be good for us – or those around us. We learn about consequences, the difference between immediate and delayed gratification, and how our pursuits affect us those around us. As we learn, we try to adjust our wanter.
Changing Our Wanter
Sometimes the shift is easy. We might say to ourselves, “I don’t like the outcome that happens every time I go for this particular desire,” making a quick and easy adjustment. We start going for different things without much conscious thought about it. Instead of doing one thing, we just start doing something else.
Sometimes the shift is more difficult. We might say to ourselves, “I want to do things differently, but can’t seem to get myself to shift.” Some of our habits of thought and action die hard. Some may seem so connected to our life that a change in one will feel like a death to part of ourselves. Grief waits at the door. We can smell it. Here we find ourselves caught between the desire for the shift, and the desire to avoid the pain of grief.
In between these two scenarios – the easy shift and the hard one – is a third. This third scenario is simply an honest reflection of what seems to be driving us. There are a few realities we need to consider before venturing down this path. First, our desires are unseen. Our actions that emanate from our desires are seen and experienced, but the actual desire is not. So, honestly reflecting on something that is unseen will take some work.
The Context
Honest reflection sits on top of a number of other propositions that ultimately make it viable. Here are a few examples:
Change is possible. We need not worry about whether or not change is easy or hard. Here we just need to hold that it is possible. A different life – one without the particular desire we are trying to be rid of – is possible. Change is possible not just in the general, but for you and me, even in our current state. With that in place, we have to contend with our limited ability to change things by force of will or effort, the choices we can make, and our access to the resources we need to facilitate a particular change.
The discovery of an inordinate desire is not equal to eternal condemnation. That’s a fancy way of saying that if you discern a desire working in you that you don’t like or don’t think is good, it’s not the end of your world. This reality is experienced in communal relationship, others reaction to your discovery can help us realize that it is not, in fact, the end of our world. In order for honest reflection to be possible, a space that allows for the airing of such honest reflection without condemnation, to take place must be available. The people who make such a space jump into curiosity rather condemnation.
Love is the fuel of a transformational space. The people who create a space that allows for honest reflection want what is best for each other – particularly the person doing the reflecting. They all know that honest reflection is the first part of a transformational journey. If we can’t say what we actually think or see or hear, we can’t know where we are, let alone where we want to go.
Don’t force it, invite it. Even in a transformational community, we may have an inclination to hide. It is normal. When we realize we aren’t doing what we think is good and right, it feels safer to hide than to share. To unhide, we need to want to, and feel some safety in doing so. If we approach ourselves (or others) with force, we will respond with defense. I will not share with you if I feel forced. However, invite me to share, and I may be more likely to open up. If love is there, trust is possible, and condemnation is a far off option, we have an invitation. The invitation is to begin an honest conversation.
The Practice
These complimentary propositions create an environment and the kind of relationships necessary to make honest reflection common, even easy. It is the kind of thing we would want to happen among friends, in families, even co-workers. Of course, this is not always the reality, which is why we have to address it.
Honest reflection is the practice, but the fish you catch is dependent on the bait, too. Here, that means the question we ask ourselves is as important as the kind of reflection we practice. Imagine what the world would be like if we took the time to honestly reflect on some of these questions:
What do you want?
How are you feeling?
What are you thinking about?
What is your greatest concern right now?
Honestly reflecting on what we want and whether or not we think its good, and adjusting our pursuits accordingly can completely transform our world. We are not talking about delaying gratification. We are talking about changing what gratifies us.
Honestly reflecting on how we feel, what our emotions might be responding to, and how they are affecting how we show up, can completely transform our world. We are not talking about ignoring our emotions nor necessarily affirming them. What we are talking about is honoring their expression – learning from them and sharing this part of our lives with others.
Honestly reflecting on what we are thinking about, how the meditation of our mind is affecting our being and acting, and how we might engage actively in our thought life, can completely transform our world. One of the places we can have a direct affect on our inner life is in our thoughts. We can consider our thinking. We can accept or reject particular thoughts. We can entertain some and let others pass. We can also give ourselves things to think about that are good for us. Engaging here is one of the easiest ways to honestly reflect on what is working in us.
Honestly reflecting on what concerns us in a given moment, what anxiety comes up, what fear we may have, even what hopes we are aiming for, can completely transform our world. Inquiring to the point of specific definition of such things gives us a clearer map of our own inner landscape. It allows us to walk through moments of great fear or anxiousness with knowledge. We know what the fear is, have done what we can to mitigate it – now it is time to walk forward. The power comes from the specific identification. Not sure what the thing is? Hold on the question and observe your natural reactions. Look for the connections. Ask trusted friends what they see. Our situational concerns are often tied to larger general concerns – fear of isolation, or concern with what others think, for example. The more we discover, the more we know what we are working with.
Look and See and Share
None of this is possible without a willingness to know. Knowledge is interactive relationship. Knowledge of yourself then begins with honest interaction. Knowledge with others and our environment is the same. Knowledge gives us the ability to see more clearly. Our eyes are open to the reality of our being. But we might not like what we find. That’s okay. In the context of a loving relationship we are free to discover without condemnation. Rather there may be joy in the discovery – for the sake of the potential transformation. Imagine a world so activated that when we encounter one another this is where we find each other – eyes wide open, excited to see what is in us. We can be less afraid of what we might find – knowing that such discoveries are the beginning of transformation. Imagine a world in which we are able to share this experience to one another.