I grew up with a strong sense of responsibility. When I was little, and my dad would travel, he would look at me and say, “Okay, you’re the man of the house now. You take of mom while I’m away.” Seven-year-old me would go about checking in on mom for the duration of my dad’s trip. I took the responsibility seriously.
Responsibilities can turn into obligations. Obligations have a way of denying or suppressing the human will – they become an energy zap. There is a single word that is a tell-tale sign of a task becoming an obligation: “Should.”
I should organize my files.
I should mow the lawn.
I should check-in with my friend, or brother, or sister, or mother, or father.
I should do my taxes.
I should ______________.
Do any of these resonate? If I hear these kinds of statements coming out of someone (including myself), I will respond, “It sounds like you are ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.” Every statement is an imposition. Something external is pressing upon you, compelling you to act.
It’s not that I want to, or I think it would good. It’s just that I should.
But energy and liveliness comes from a feeling of freedom, an honoring of the will, and a desire to do the thing. How can we reconcile the idea that there are things that need to be done (even that we might not want to do), while avoiding the idea of being obliged?
Should to Could
The first move is from should to could. Rather than relating to tasks with the imposition of “should” we can give ourselves room to choose by saying “could.” This tiny move creates just enough space to make whatever happens next a personal choice.
Say I have 30 minutes of unscheduled time that opened up. I could dump a ton of should’s on myself, or I could float a list of could’s. The should’s would likely bear down on me defeating any opportunity for liveliness. A list of could’s present possibility, allowing for experimentation, discovery, and the exercise of choice.
Making such a list exercises our imagination, giving us a moment free from obligations. We know they are there, but we can take a few minutes to imagine all the things we could do with the time we have been given.
When considering possible actions, ask, “What could I do?”
Could to Good
This second move is important in order to fulfill responsibilities, especially those that we may not like or enjoy. I have my 30 minutes and a list of could’s. That list includes things that might be better to do than others, regardless of our feeling about them. Of everything on my list, I might say, “I want to pick the thing I think would be good to do,” given the circumstances. The more I practice picking a good thing from my list of could’s the more I can begin to trust my chooser. Of course, this may take some experimentation, more than a few failures, and continual adjustment. This is part of the process of formation.
For any list of could’s, ask, “What is good to do?”
What is good?
What happens as a natural result of asking these questions is a lived embodiment of what you think is good. Your definition will evolve over time, of course. This is an ongoing process that leads to two distinct outcomes: an active imagination while making a list of could’s, and a trustworthy chooser that knows what good things to choose from the list.
But none of this would happen without asking the question.
Love this! What a great little mantra to help us curate our daily, ordinary choices and decisions into our unique plans of life. Should transforms to could, and from the could, find the good. 🤗